Meeting My Surgeon- Sharon’s Story, Part Two

Written by Sharon Smith

Mr Sangle (what an amazing man) Katie my BC nurse was there, Mr Sangle explained everything to me and, in his words, ‘we going to whip the right breast off’ (I can tell you now that was like a punch in the face) ‘you’re going to take my whole breast’ I asked ‘yes’ was his reply. ‘Are you going to replace it straight away’ ‘no’….

It was January 10th , 2023, and I had been told that I was going to lose my right breast and need a lumpectomy in my left breast. I had waited longer than recommended and my surgeon Mr Sangle wanted to get it done ASAP. Sitting in his office the adrenaline was pumping through my veins and my brain was trying to process the loss before it happened, ‘end of the month’ Mr Sangle announced, and this snapped me out of the bubble my brain was in, not giving any thought to what timescale this was, I replied ’the sooner the better’, did I really say that out loud, no time was given and Mr Sangle jumped in and said how about Friday 13th, 3 days from now, well I am free if you are I replied.....done!

I left his office and went straight for my preoperative checks. The nurse doing my pre-op had hooked me up to an ECG machine, and asked if I had a pacemaker fitted as my heart was showing irregular beats, for a minute I had to think.... have I got a pacemaker? of course I had not, that’s an op you really would remember, but that’s where my brain was, numb.... 

Over the next couple of days, I would squash my affected breast down to see or even imagine how I would look without it. Cancer was still in a box in the very back of my head, my brain refusing to think or even say the word ‘CANCER’, for fear of crumbling and all the dark thoughts I would push away, sometimes I couldn’t and would cry when alone. 

People would often comment on how positive I was handling my situation; how strong I must be. I wasn’t in my head I felt like I was standing on a cliff edge, not daring to think what was growing inside me or that this could kill me...... 

This operation was the physical reality. I had my own room and on the Morning of the operation Mr Sangle came to see me to explain everything, I was the last on his list...while he was talking, I could see his lips move but didn’t hear anything he was saying, just jumbled words, I nodded in all the right places. It felt like an outer body experience, I was looking down on the situation, him talking to me, this carried on whilst I was having the guide wire put in on my left breast for the lumpectomy it wasn’t happening to me.... I was void of any emotion...... 

After being in theatre and then returned to my room, I felt a new me had awoken, one where I could no longer keep Cancer in a box as the physical reminder was there, the loss the grief and anxiety, all came to the fore.... the gravity of my diagnosis hit me hard. I was emotionally overwhelmed that first night alone in my room, it felt like I was holding up a roof and my arms gave way and it all came crashing down. 

 The next morning, ‘Factory reset’ don’t think about it was my new mantra. I was all strapped up with a drain, no pain, a little discomfort, called work spoke to the girls chatted about operation, it was like I was talking about a 3rd person not me, this is a default setting I have learned to do since my journey began, like a sort of protection from trauma blank it out.

I was home and 24hrs after the operation, started chatting to the ladies on UK Breast Cancer website. I cannot tell you how invaluable these women were, with their advice, knowledge, and strength. After making a camp in my bed with cushions and pillows (any 6-year-old would be proud of) started the physical healing. 

10 days after my op, still strapped up my Breast care Nurse Katie rang and told me I had to take the sterile strips off my scar, I hadn’t even thought of taking the bandages off. I went in to the bathroom ran the shower until the room steamed up especially the mirror and I began unwrapping my bandages, never looking down keeping my head up, tears flowed down my faces, I stepped in the shower still not looking at my scar I just couldn’t, it would mean all my boxes in my head would open, it would be quite a while until I could face the scar so the steaming of the shower became a ritual for me. 

At this point all I can say was I was sad, very sad inside, the old me had gone and a person I didn’t know had replaced me, someone I didn’t recognise I didn’t want to be seen to become invisible is what I wanted.

Three weeks after my op I went back to work, this helped with my mental health, also helped to keep cancer in its box by occupying myself and keeping busy.

The next step was the Oncologist Appointment, they decided 20 rounds of radiotherapy and the dreaded Letrozole as if I thought the worst of this journey was over, that said radiotherapy was OK just a little tiring, but Letrozole is Satan’s tablet. Then back again to see Mr Sangle, this is where I let cancer out of the box and started to deal with it. I told Mr Sangle that Letrozole was causing so much pain to my joints, I cannot take it, he said something to me that really hit a nerve: 

He drew a big tree and a little tree, the big tree represented my cancer, it completely overshadowed the little tree, it got all the sun and light then it was cut down, (cutting the cancer out) ‘Letrozole stops any little trees from growing’, he said ‘we don’t know if there are any little trees anywhere else’, which may sound strange but for the first time since my journey began, I have accepted and now dealing with Cancer. My scar has healed, and I can look at it and feel I have come such a long way, I feel stronger, am a long way from who I was but am getting there. 

Cancer isn’t going to beat me or take anything else away from me. 

Thank you for reading my story.